IF YOU ARE ANGRY READ THIS BOOK, 04 Nov 2008
This is a fantastic book to read if you are an angry person or live with an angry person. The only problem I have with it is that it is presumed that the abusive person is male and the only 'cure' is to leave them !!! I found this book while trying to find out why I always seemed angry with my husband and was quite shocked to find out that I was the abusive person. so shocked and mortified that I had a big chat with the hubby and am learning to work together as a family and not with me always having to be the boss (or having one up on him). Family liFe is much sweeter and happier so a Big Thank You to Patricia Evans

A war you'll never win., 02 Sep 2008
An Americanised approach to a subject few people talk about, though the (professionally unqualified) author Evans is in a win/win situation - any help for abused people is a lifeline even if it's badly presented.

There are simpler, starker and better explanations than those presented by Evans of why the emotional abuser will always win - as in 'Stalking The Soul' by Marie-France Hirogoyen, which does without the sometimes childish and over-simplified dialogue illustrations presented by Evans.

However, as Evan's book progresses, it slightly improves, and as a companion to say, the Hirogoyen book, it eventually works at a limited level. But Evan's lugubrious verbosity is of no help when you need the facts, especially if you're no fan of therapy as a media cult, which is how some of Evan's mawkish writing comes across.

There's a lot of gravy, before you get to the meat, and Evans will antagonise the reader at almost every page with over-weening claptrap:

"Don't ever delude yourself into thinking that you should have the ability to stay serene no matter how you are treated. Your serenity comes from the knowledge that you have a fundamental right to a nurturing environment and a fundamental right to affirm your boundaries."

As the abused will know, the abuser will allow them no such rights or affirmation whatsoever, and sections of the book may engender false hope that abuse can be dealt with by being 'firm' with the abuser, or 'affirming your boundaries.'

Such simplistic advice could prolong an abusive relationship, leading to chronic depression, violence, further abuse or worse, and the best advice is not to rely solely on this book to provide the answers you need.

[two stars- browser error allocated five]


An illuminating and informative book, 29 Jun 2008
I didn't know quite what to expect when I started reading it but to my surprise found that it is invaluable and has made me realise that even when I thought my partner was being nice he actually wasn't and opened my eyes to things that perhaps I have chosen not to recognise for the sake of carrying on a normal life in the past 10 years. Everyone should read this book to recognise the signs of abuse, I'd recommend using a pencil to note in the book incidents which have happened to yourself that relate to the different sections so you can easily refer back to your notes.

Glad I found this out before I got in too deep, 13 Dec 2007
An excellent insight into this subtle, insidious form of psychological warfare. I would highly recommend this book for anyone who has ever felt a twinge of imbalance in their verbal dealings with someone but tried to dismiss or ignore it. Be safe, not sorry.

Helpful advice on protecting yourself from verbal abuse, 10 Aug 2007
Verbal abuse might not be as visible as physical abuse, but it can be just as damaging. What makes this type of abuse so insidious is that the victim blames herself, further weakening her self-esteem, instead of placing the responsibility firmly where it belongs - on the abuser. Patricia Evans unmasks verbal abuse in all its hurtful guises, from the most obvious such as yelling and name-calling, to the covert manipulations of sabotage, double-speak and denial. Evans bases her insights and conclusions on extensive research. She uses real-life situations and dialogue to shed light on this dark, destructive ailment - though she sometimes can be repetitive and unnecessarily complex. Her in-depth analysis of the dynamics of verbal abuse may be more suited to therapists and researchers than to victims seeking coping advice. Evans would be the first to say that if you are in imminent danger, get professional help or a cop. We recommend her book to anyone who might be in a verbally abusive relationship or who cares about someone who is. Therapists and counselors will also benefit from this well-researched thesis.

IF YOU ARE ANGRY READ THIS BOOK, 04 Nov 2008
This is a fantastic book to read if you are an angry person or live with an angry person. The only problem I have with it is that it is presumed that the abusive person is male and the only 'cure' is to leave them !!! I found this book while trying to find out why I always seemed angry with my husband and was quite shocked to find out that I was the abusive person. so shocked and mortified that I had a big chat with the hubby and am learning to work together as a family and not with me always having to be the boss (or having one up on him). Family liFe is much sweeter and happier so a Big Thank You to Patricia Evans

A war you'll never win., 02 Sep 2008
An Americanised approach to a subject few people talk about, though the (professionally unqualified) author Evans is in a win/win situation - any help for abused people is a lifeline even if it's badly presented.

There are simpler, starker and better explanations than those presented by Evans of why the emotional abuser will always win - as in 'Stalking The Soul' by Marie-France Hirogoyen, which does without the sometimes childish and over-simplified dialogue illustrations presented by Evans.

However, as Evan's book progresses, it slightly improves, and as a companion to say, the Hirogoyen book, it eventually works at a limited level. But Evan's lugubrious verbosity is of no help when you need the facts, especially if you're no fan of therapy as a media cult, which is how some of Evan's mawkish writing comes across.

There's a lot of gravy, before you get to the meat, and Evans will antagonise the reader at almost every page with over-weening claptrap:

"Don't ever delude yourself into thinking that you should have the ability to stay serene no matter how you are treated. Your serenity comes from the knowledge that you have a fundamental right to a nurturing environment and a fundamental right to affirm your boundaries."

As the abused will know, the abuser will allow them no such rights or affirmation whatsoever, and sections of the book may engender false hope that abuse can be dealt with by being 'firm' with the abuser, or 'affirming your boundaries.'

Such simplistic advice could prolong an abusive relationship, leading to chronic depression, violence, further abuse or worse, and the best advice is not to rely solely on this book to provide the answers you need.

[two stars- browser error allocated five]


An illuminating and informative book, 29 Jun 2008
I didn't know quite what to expect when I started reading it but to my surprise found that it is invaluable and has made me realise that even when I thought my partner was being nice he actually wasn't and opened my eyes to things that perhaps I have chosen not to recognise for the sake of carrying on a normal life in the past 10 years. Everyone should read this book to recognise the signs of abuse, I'd recommend using a pencil to note in the book incidents which have happened to yourself that relate to the different sections so you can easily refer back to your notes.

Glad I found this out before I got in too deep, 13 Dec 2007
An excellent insight into this subtle, insidious form of psychological warfare. I would highly recommend this book for anyone who has ever felt a twinge of imbalance in their verbal dealings with someone but tried to dismiss or ignore it. Be safe, not sorry.

Helpful advice on protecting yourself from verbal abuse, 10 Aug 2007
Verbal abuse might not be as visible as physical abuse, but it can be just as damaging. What makes this type of abuse so insidious is that the victim blames herself, further weakening her self-esteem, instead of placing the responsibility firmly where it belongs - on the abuser. Patricia Evans unmasks verbal abuse in all its hurtful guises, from the most obvious such as yelling and name-calling, to the covert manipulations of sabotage, double-speak and denial. Evans bases her insights and conclusions on extensive research. She uses real-life situations and dialogue to shed light on this dark, destructive ailment - though she sometimes can be repetitive and unnecessarily complex. Her in-depth analysis of the dynamics of verbal abuse may be more suited to therapists and researchers than to victims seeking coping advice. Evans would be the first to say that if you are in imminent danger, get professional help or a cop. We recommend her book to anyone who might be in a verbally abusive relationship or who cares about someone who is. Therapists and counselors will also benefit from this well-researched thesis.


highly recommended; very clearly written, 24 Jul 2007
I can't recommend this enough. Packed with clearly presented information, easy to read, clear exercises, plus she herself was abusive and worked through it, so is completely speaking from a place of real informed balance and empathy.

Precious love-saving guide for partners and ex-partners, 26 Sep 2003
A lovely book. Engel comes from love and empathy for abusers and abusees alike and is wonderfully free of judgements. A moving, highly readable and deeply usable guide to how to recognise and then stop patterns of abuse when we are in the habit of giving or receiving it. An inspiring read, and manual, for counsellors and a potential lifesaver for human happiness for everyone from the multiply divorced to the person who's just shouted at their partner for the first time ever. But not for those who believe abusees are victims (poor me)and abusers are monsters: Engel holds that blame benefits no-one and everyone, if willing, can grow and learn new, loving, abuse-free habits that esteem both themself and their partner. Written in wonderfully plain jargon-free English (except that she refers to "borderline personality disorder").

Engel defines emotional abuse as "any non-physical behaviour designed to control, intimidate, subjugate, demean, punish or isolate another person" i.e. everything from blaming to sulking, demands to insults, domineering to overinquisitiveness. [So if you've lived with someone for more than a month and never ever given or received emotional abuse, click here for your halo:-)]

Beverly focuses on emotional abuse but but her techniques could be equally transformative for people who give or receive physical, sexual or verbal abuse. Similarly, the book is all about lifepartners but can be adapted to other close relationships e.g. parent/step-parent to adult child.

IF YOU ARE ANGRY READ THIS BOOK, 04 Nov 2008
This is a fantastic book to read if you are an angry person or live with an angry person. The only problem I have with it is that it is presumed that the abusive person is male and the only 'cure' is to leave them !!! I found this book while trying to find out why I always seemed angry with my husband and was quite shocked to find out that I was the abusive person. so shocked and mortified that I had a big chat with the hubby and am learning to work together as a family and not with me always having to be the boss (or having one up on him). Family liFe is much sweeter and happier so a Big Thank You to Patricia Evans

A war you'll never win., 02 Sep 2008
An Americanised approach to a subject few people talk about, though the (professionally unqualified) author Evans is in a win/win situation - any help for abused people is a lifeline even if it's badly presented.

There are simpler, starker and better explanations than those presented by Evans of why the emotional abuser will always win - as in 'Stalking The Soul' by Marie-France Hirogoyen, which does without the sometimes childish and over-simplified dialogue illustrations presented by Evans.

However, as Evan's book progresses, it slightly improves, and as a companion to say, the Hirogoyen book, it eventually works at a limited level. But Evan's lugubrious verbosity is of no help when you need the facts, especially if you're no fan of therapy as a media cult, which is how some of Evan's mawkish writing comes across.

There's a lot of gravy, before you get to the meat, and Evans will antagonise the reader at almost every page with over-weening claptrap:

"Don't ever delude yourself into thinking that you should have the ability to stay serene no matter how you are treated. Your serenity comes from the knowledge that you have a fundamental right to a nurturing environment and a fundamental right to affirm your boundaries."

As the abused will know, the abuser will allow them no such rights or affirmation whatsoever, and sections of the book may engender false hope that abuse can be dealt with by being 'firm' with the abuser, or 'affirming your boundaries.'

Such simplistic advice could prolong an abusive relationship, leading to chronic depression, violence, further abuse or worse, and the best advice is not to rely solely on this book to provide the answers you need.

[two stars- browser error allocated five]


An illuminating and informative book, 29 Jun 2008
I didn't know quite what to expect when I started reading it but to my surprise found that it is invaluable and has made me realise that even when I thought my partner was being nice he actually wasn't and opened my eyes to things that perhaps I have chosen not to recognise for the sake of carrying on a normal life in the past 10 years. Everyone should read this book to recognise the signs of abuse, I'd recommend using a pencil to note in the book incidents which have happened to yourself that relate to the different sections so you can easily refer back to your notes.

Glad I found this out before I got in too deep, 13 Dec 2007
An excellent insight into this subtle, insidious form of psychological warfare. I would highly recommend this book for anyone who has ever felt a twinge of imbalance in their verbal dealings with someone but tried to dismiss or ignore it. Be safe, not sorry.

Helpful advice on protecting yourself from verbal abuse, 10 Aug 2007
Verbal abuse might not be as visible as physical abuse, but it can be just as damaging. What makes this type of abuse so insidious is that the victim blames herself, further weakening her self-esteem, instead of placing the responsibility firmly where it belongs - on the abuser. Patricia Evans unmasks verbal abuse in all its hurtful guises, from the most obvious such as yelling and name-calling, to the covert manipulations of sabotage, double-speak and denial. Evans bases her insights and conclusions on extensive research. She uses real-life situations and dialogue to shed light on this dark, destructive ailment - though she sometimes can be repetitive and unnecessarily complex. Her in-depth analysis of the dynamics of verbal abuse may be more suited to therapists and researchers than to victims seeking coping advice. Evans would be the first to say that if you are in imminent danger, get professional help or a cop. We recommend her book to anyone who might be in a verbally abusive relationship or who cares about someone who is. Therapists and counselors will also benefit from this well-researched thesis.


highly recommended; very clearly written, 24 Jul 2007
I can't recommend this enough. Packed with clearly presented information, easy to read, clear exercises, plus she herself was abusive and worked through it, so is completely speaking from a place of real informed balance and empathy.

Precious love-saving guide for partners and ex-partners, 26 Sep 2003
A lovely book. Engel comes from love and empathy for abusers and abusees alike and is wonderfully free of judgements. A moving, highly readable and deeply usable guide to how to recognise and then stop patterns of abuse when we are in the habit of giving or receiving it. An inspiring read, and manual, for counsellors and a potential lifesaver for human happiness for everyone from the multiply divorced to the person who's just shouted at their partner for the first time ever. But not for those who believe abusees are victims (poor me)and abusers are monsters: Engel holds that blame benefits no-one and everyone, if willing, can grow and learn new, loving, abuse-free habits that esteem both themself and their partner. Written in wonderfully plain jargon-free English (except that she refers to "borderline personality disorder").

Engel defines emotional abuse as "any non-physical behaviour designed to control, intimidate, subjugate, demean, punish or isolate another person" i.e. everything from blaming to sulking, demands to insults, domineering to overinquisitiveness. [So if you've lived with someone for more than a month and never ever given or received emotional abuse, click here for your halo:-)]

Beverly focuses on emotional abuse but but her techniques could be equally transformative for people who give or receive physical, sexual or verbal abuse. Similarly, the book is all about lifepartners but can be adapted to other close relationships e.g. parent/step-parent to adult child.

Excellently written and strikes a chord on every page, 18 Mar 2007
I found this to be an excellent source of information and guidance helping me to make sense of and validate my feelings. Together with some of the other books I have read on this subject such as Toxic Parents, which I also highly recommend, these books have opened up a whole new perspective in my life.

IF YOU ARE ANGRY READ THIS BOOK, 04 Nov 2008
This is a fantastic book to read if you are an angry person or live with an angry person. The only problem I have with it is that it is presumed that the abusive person is male and the only 'cure' is to leave them !!! I found this book while trying to find out why I always seemed angry with my husband and was quite shocked to find out that I was the abusive person. so shocked and mortified that I had a big chat with the hubby and am learning to work together as a family and not with me always having to be the boss (or having one up on him). Family liFe is much sweeter and happier so a Big Thank You to Patricia Evans

A war you'll never win., 02 Sep 2008
An Americanised approach to a subject few people talk about, though the (professionally unqualified) author Evans is in a win/win situation - any help for abused people is a lifeline even if it's badly presented.

There are simpler, starker and better explanations than those presented by Evans of why the emotional abuser will always win - as in 'Stalking The Soul' by Marie-France Hirogoyen, which does without the sometimes childish and over-simplified dialogue illustrations presented by Evans.

However, as Evan's book progresses, it slightly improves, and as a companion to say, the Hirogoyen book, it eventually works at a limited level. But Evan's lugubrious verbosity is of no help when you need the facts, especially if you're no fan of therapy as a media cult, which is how some of Evan's mawkish writing comes across.

There's a lot of gravy, before you get to the meat, and Evans will antagonise the reader at almost every page with over-weening claptrap:

"Don't ever delude yourself into thinking that you should have the ability to stay serene no matter how you are treated. Your serenity comes from the knowledge that you have a fundamental right to a nurturing environment and a fundamental right to affirm your boundaries."

As the abused will know, the abuser will allow them no such rights or affirmation whatsoever, and sections of the book may engender false hope that abuse can be dealt with by being 'firm' with the abuser, or 'affirming your boundaries.'

Such simplistic advice could prolong an abusive relationship, leading to chronic depression, violence, further abuse or worse, and the best advice is not to rely solely on this book to provide the answers you need.

[two stars- browser error allocated five]


An illuminating and informative book, 29 Jun 2008
I didn't know quite what to expect when I started reading it but to my surprise found that it is invaluable and has made me realise that even when I thought my partner was being nice he actually wasn't and opened my eyes to things that perhaps I have chosen not to recognise for the sake of carrying on a normal life in the past 10 years. Everyone should read this book to recognise the signs of abuse, I'd recommend using a pencil to note in the book incidents which have happened to yourself that relate to the different sections so you can easily refer back to your notes.

Glad I found this out before I got in too deep, 13 Dec 2007
An excellent insight into this subtle, insidious form of psychological warfare. I would highly recommend this book for anyone who has ever felt a twinge of imbalance in their verbal dealings with someone but tried to dismiss or ignore it. Be safe, not sorry.

Helpful advice on protecting yourself from verbal abuse, 10 Aug 2007
Verbal abuse might not be as visible as physical abuse, but it can be just as damaging. What makes this type of abuse so insidious is that the victim blames herself, further weakening her self-esteem, instead of placing the responsibility firmly where it belongs - on the abuser. Patricia Evans unmasks verbal abuse in all its hurtful guises, from the most obvious such as yelling and name-calling, to the covert manipulations of sabotage, double-speak and denial. Evans bases her insights and conclusions on extensive research. She uses real-life situations and dialogue to shed light on this dark, destructive ailment - though she sometimes can be repetitive and unnecessarily complex. Her in-depth analysis of the dynamics of verbal abuse may be more suited to therapists and researchers than to victims seeking coping advice. Evans would be the first to say that if you are in imminent danger, get professional help or a cop. We recommend her book to anyone who might be in a verbally abusive relationship or who cares about someone who is. Therapists and counselors will also benefit from this well-researched thesis.


highly recommended; very clearly written, 24 Jul 2007
I can't recommend this enough. Packed with clearly presented information, easy to read, clear exercises, plus she herself was abusive and worked through it, so is completely speaking from a place of real informed balance and empathy.

Precious love-saving guide for partners and ex-partners, 26 Sep 2003
A lovely book. Engel comes from love and empathy for abusers and abusees alike and is wonderfully free of judgements. A moving, highly readable and deeply usable guide to how to recognise and then stop patterns of abuse when we are in the habit of giving or receiving it. An inspiring read, and manual, for counsellors and a potential lifesaver for human happiness for everyone from the multiply divorced to the person who's just shouted at their partner for the first time ever. But not for those who believe abusees are victims (poor me)and abusers are monsters: Engel holds that blame benefits no-one and everyone, if willing, can grow and learn new, loving, abuse-free habits that esteem both themself and their partner. Written in wonderfully plain jargon-free English (except that she refers to "borderline personality disorder").

Engel defines emotional abuse as "any non-physical behaviour designed to control, intimidate, subjugate, demean, punish or isolate another person" i.e. everything from blaming to sulking, demands to insults, domineering to overinquisitiveness. [So if you've lived with someone for more than a month and never ever given or received emotional abuse, click here for your halo:-)]

Beverly focuses on emotional abuse but but her techniques could be equally transformative for people who give or receive physical, sexual or verbal abuse. Similarly, the book is all about lifepartners but can be adapted to other close relationships e.g. parent/step-parent to adult child.

Excellently written and strikes a chord on every page, 18 Mar 2007
I found this to be an excellent source of information and guidance helping me to make sense of and validate my feelings. Together with some of the other books I have read on this subject such as Toxic Parents, which I also highly recommend, these books have opened up a whole new perspective in my life.

A book about the most evil stepmother from hell who is now out of jail, 11 Jul 2008
This book is about one of the most evil women in the world who succeeded in making her stepdaughter's life an absolute hell (to think that she was only sentenced to two years in prison for the torture she inflicted on a young child makes my blood boil). Donna's biological father was absolutely useless in defending his daughter and deserves to rot in hell alongside his evil wife. However Donna overcame the wickedness of her stepmother and became a successful person in her own right Donna - I wish you all the best for the future.

Refreshing, 29 Dec 2007
After reading well over 100 books on true stories, i've come across my fair share of abuse tales and this is up there with the best of them. Not only does Donna give you insight into the horrific childhood she endured but unlike most other books, goes on to demonstrate how abused children do not have to repeat the cycle and how it becomes possible to conquer the abuser in more ways than imaginable. To have Donna's life story told to the point of taking Helen (the abuser) to court and winning to the life she has created very successfully for herself is truely inspiring.
This is a book that is easy to read, well written and a must for anyone who simply loves to read. I just look forward to the next chapter of Donna's life and hope she once again has the patience to put her life onto paper.

IF YOU ARE ANGRY READ THIS BOOK, 04 Nov 2008
This is a fantastic book to read if you are an angry person or live with an angry person. The only problem I have with it is that it is presumed that the abusive person is male and the only 'cure' is to leave them !!! I found this book while trying to find out why I always seemed angry with my husband and was quite shocked to find out that I was the abusive person. so shocked and mortified that I had a big chat with the hubby and am learning to work together as a family and not with me always having to be the boss (or having one up on him). Family liFe is much sweeter and happier so a Big Thank You to Patricia Evans

A war you'll never win., 02 Sep 2008
An Americanised approach to a subject few people talk about, though the (professionally unqualified) author Evans is in a win/win situation - any help for abused people is a lifeline even if it's badly presented.

There are simpler, starker and better explanations than those presented by Evans of why the emotional abuser will always win - as in 'Stalking The Soul' by Marie-France Hirogoyen, which does without the sometimes childish and over-simplified dialogue illustrations presented by Evans.

However, as Evan's book progresses, it slightly improves, and as a companion to say, the Hirogoyen book, it eventually works at a limited level. But Evan's lugubrious verbosity is of no help when you need the facts, especially if you're no fan of therapy as a media cult, which is how some of Evan's mawkish writing comes across.

There's a lot of gravy, before you get to the meat, and Evans will antagonise the reader at almost every page with over-weening claptrap:

"Don't ever delude yourself into thinking that you should have the ability to stay serene no matter how you are treated. Your serenity comes from the knowledge that you have a fundamental right to a nurturing environment and a fundamental right to affirm your boundaries."

As the abused will know, the abuser will allow them no such rights or affirmation whatsoever, and sections of the book may engender false hope that abuse can be dealt with by being 'firm' with the abuser, or 'affirming your boundaries.'

Such simplistic advice could prolong an abusive relationship, leading to chronic depression, violence, further abuse or worse, and the best advice is not to rely solely on this book to provide the answers you need.

[two stars- browser error allocated five]


An illuminating and informative book, 29 Jun 2008
I didn't know quite what to expect when I started reading it but to my surprise found that it is invaluable and has made me realise that even when I thought my partner was being nice he actually wasn't and opened my eyes to things that perhaps I have chosen not to recognise for the sake of carrying on a normal life in the past 10 years. Everyone should read this book to recognise the signs of abuse, I'd recommend using a pencil to note in the book incidents which have happened to yourself that relate to the different sections so you can easily refer back to your notes.

Glad I found this out before I got in too deep, 13 Dec 2007
An excellent insight into this subtle, insidious form of psychological warfare. I would highly recommend this book for anyone who has ever felt a twinge of imbalance in their verbal dealings with someone but tried to dismiss or ignore it. Be safe, not sorry.

Helpful advice on protecting yourself from verbal abuse, 10 Aug 2007
Verbal abuse might not be as visible as physical abuse, but it can be just as damaging. What makes this type of abuse so insidious is that the victim blames herself, further weakening her self-esteem, instead of placing the responsibility firmly where it belongs - on the abuser. Patricia Evans unmasks verbal abuse in all its hurtful guises, from the most obvious such as yelling and name-calling, to the covert manipulations of sabotage, double-speak and denial. Evans bases her insights and conclusions on extensive research. She uses real-life situations and dialogue to shed light on this dark, destructive ailment - though she sometimes can be repetitive and unnecessarily complex. Her in-depth analysis of the dynamics of verbal abuse may be more suited to therapists and researchers than to victims seeking coping advice. Evans would be the first to say that if you are in imminent danger, get professional help or a cop. We recommend her book to anyone who might be in a verbally abusive relationship or who cares about someone who is. Therapists and counselors will also benefit from this well-researched thesis.


highly recommended; very clearly written, 24 Jul 2007
I can't recommend this enough. Packed with clearly presented information, easy to read, clear exercises, plus she herself was abusive and worked through it, so is completely speaking from a place of real informed balance and empathy.

Precious love-saving guide for partners and ex-partners, 26 Sep 2003
A lovely book. Engel comes from love and empathy for abusers and abusees alike and is wonderfully free of judgements. A moving, highly readable and deeply usable guide to how to recognise and then stop patterns of abuse when we are in the habit of giving or receiving it. An inspiring read, and manual, for counsellors and a potential lifesaver for human happiness for everyone from the multiply divorced to the person who's just shouted at their partner for the first time ever. But not for those who believe abusees are victims (poor me)and abusers are monsters: Engel holds that blame benefits no-one and everyone, if willing, can grow and learn new, loving, abuse-free habits that esteem both themself and their partner. Written in wonderfully plain jargon-free English (except that she refers to "borderline personality disorder").

Engel defines emotional abuse as "any non-physical behaviour designed to control, intimidate, subjugate, demean, punish or isolate another person" i.e. everything from blaming to sulking, demands to insults, domineering to overinquisitiveness. [So if you've lived with someone for more than a month and never ever given or received emotional abuse, click here for your halo:-)]

Beverly focuses on emotional abuse but but her techniques could be equally transformative for people who give or receive physical, sexual or verbal abuse. Similarly, the book is all about lifepartners but can be adapted to other close relationships e.g. parent/step-parent to adult child.

Excellently written and strikes a chord on every page, 18 Mar 2007
I found this to be an excellent source of information and guidance helping me to make sense of and validate my feelings. Together with some of the other books I have read on this subject such as Toxic Parents, which I also highly recommend, these books have opened up a whole new perspective in my life.

A book about the most evil stepmother from hell who is now out of jail, 11 Jul 2008
This book is about one of the most evil women in the world who succeeded in making her stepdaughter's life an absolute hell (to think that she was only sentenced to two years in prison for the torture she inflicted on a young child makes my blood boil). Donna's biological father was absolutely useless in defending his daughter and deserves to rot in hell alongside his evil wife. However Donna overcame the wickedness of her stepmother and became a successful person in her own right Donna - I wish you all the best for the future.

Refreshing, 29 Dec 2007
After reading well over 100 books on true stories, i've come across my fair share of abuse tales and this is up there with the best of them. Not only does Donna give you insight into the horrific childhood she endured but unlike most other books, goes on to demonstrate how abused children do not have to repeat the cycle and how it becomes possible to conquer the abuser in more ways than imaginable. To have Donna's life story told to the point of taking Helen (the abuser) to court and winning to the life she has created very successfully for herself is truely inspiring.
This is a book that is easy to read, well written and a must for anyone who simply loves to read. I just look forward to the next chapter of Donna's life and hope she once again has the patience to put her life onto paper.

Great Insights, 01 Nov 2008
A brilliant reference book indeed.

Sadly, rarely are any of the insights used in the real world.

IF YOU ARE ANGRY READ THIS BOOK, 04 Nov 2008
This is a fantastic book to read if you are an angry person or live with an angry person. The only problem I have with it is that it is presumed that the abusive person is male and the only 'cure' is to leave them !!! I found this book while trying to find out why I always seemed angry with my husband and was quite shocked to find out that I was the abusive person. so shocked and mortified that I had a big chat with the hubby and am learning to work together as a family and not with me always having to be the boss (or having one up on him). Family liFe is much sweeter and happier so a Big Thank You to Patricia Evans

A war you'll never win., 02 Sep 2008
An Americanised approach to a subject few people talk about, though the (professionally unqualified) author Evans is in a win/win situation - any help for abused people is a lifeline even if it's badly presented.

There are simpler, starker and better explanations than those presented by Evans of why the emotional abuser will always win - as in 'Stalking The Soul' by Marie-France Hirogoyen, which does without the sometimes childish and over-simplified dialogue illustrations presented by Evans.

However, as Evan's book progresses, it slightly improves, and as a companion to say, the Hirogoyen book, it eventually works at a limited level. But Evan's lugubrious verbosity is of no help when you need the facts, especially if you're no fan of therapy as a media cult, which is how some of Evan's mawkish writing comes across.

There's a lot of gravy, before you get to the meat, and Evans will antagonise the reader at almost every page with over-weening claptrap:

"Don't ever delude yourself into thinking that you should have the ability to stay serene no matter how you are treated. Your serenity comes from the knowledge that you have a fundamental right to a nurturing environment and a fundamental right to affirm your boundaries."

As the abused will know, the abuser will allow them no such rights or affirmation whatsoever, and sections of the book may engender false hope that abuse can be dealt with by being 'firm' with the abuser, or 'affirming your boundaries.'

Such simplistic advice could prolong an abusive relationship, leading to chronic depression, violence, further abuse or worse, and the best advice is not to rely solely on this book to provide the answers you need.

[two stars- browser error allocated five]


An illuminating and informative book, 29 Jun 2008
I didn't know quite what to expect when I started reading it but to my surprise found that it is invaluable and has made me realise that even when I thought my partner was being nice he actually wasn't and opened my eyes to things that perhaps I have chosen not to recognise for the sake of carrying on a normal life in the past 10 years. Everyone should read this book to recognise the signs of abuse, I'd recommend using a pencil to note in the book incidents which have happened to yourself that relate to the different sections so you can easily refer back to your notes.

Glad I found this out before I got in too deep, 13 Dec 2007
An excellent insight into this subtle, insidious form of psychological warfare. I would highly recommend this book for anyone who has ever felt a twinge of imbalance in their verbal dealings with someone but tried to dismiss or ignore it. Be safe, not sorry.

Helpful advice on protecting yourself from verbal abuse, 10 Aug 2007
Verbal abuse might not be as visible as physical abuse, but it can be just as damaging. What makes this type of abuse so insidious is that the victim blames herself, further weakening her self-esteem, instead of placing the responsibility firmly where it belongs - on the abuser. Patricia Evans unmasks verbal abuse in all its hurtful guises, from the most obvious such as yelling and name-calling, to the covert manipulations of sabotage, double-speak and denial. Evans bases her insights and conclusions on extensive research. She uses real-life situations and dialogue to shed light on this dark, destructive ailment - though she sometimes can be repetitive and unnecessarily complex. Her in-depth analysis of the dynamics of verbal abuse may be more suited to therapists and researchers than to victims seeking coping advice. Evans would be the first to say that if you are in imminent danger, get professional help or a cop. We recommend her book to anyone who might be in a verbally abusive relationship or who cares about someone who is. Therapists and counselors will also benefit from this well-researched thesis.


highly recommended; very clearly written, 24 Jul 2007
I can't recommend this enough. Packed with clearly presented information, easy to read, clear exercises, plus she herself was abusive and worked through it, so is completely speaking from a place of real informed balance and empathy.

Precious love-saving guide for partners and ex-partners, 26 Sep 2003
A lovely book. Engel comes from love and empathy for abusers and abusees alike and is wonderfully free of judgements. A moving, highly readable and deeply usable guide to how to recognise and then stop patterns of abuse when we are in the habit of giving or receiving it. An inspiring read, and manual, for counsellors and a potential lifesaver for human happiness for everyone from the multiply divorced to the person who's just shouted at their partner for the first time ever. But not for those who believe abusees are victims (poor me)and abusers are monsters: Engel holds that blame benefits no-one and everyone, if willing, can grow and learn new, loving, abuse-free habits that esteem both themself and their partner. Written in wonderfully plain jargon-free English (except that she refers to "borderline personality disorder").

Engel defines emotional abuse as "any non-physical behaviour designed to control, intimidate, subjugate, demean, punish or isolate another person" i.e. everything from blaming to sulking, demands to insults, domineering to overinquisitiveness. [So if you've lived with someone for more than a month and never ever given or received emotional abuse, click here for your halo:-)]

Beverly focuses on emotional abuse but but her techniques could be equally transformative for people who give or receive physical, sexual or verbal abuse. Similarly, the book is all about lifepartners but can be adapted to other close relationships e.g. parent/step-parent to adult child.

Excellently written and strikes a chord on every page, 18 Mar 2007
I found this to be an excellent source of information and guidance helping me to make sense of and validate my feelings. Together with some of the other books I have read on this subject such as Toxic Parents, which I also highly recommend, these books have opened up a whole new perspective in my life.

A book about the most evil stepmother from hell who is now out of jail, 11 Jul 2008
This book is about one of the most evil women in the world who succeeded in making her stepdaughter's life an absolute hell (to think that she was only sentenced to two years in prison for the torture she inflicted on a young child makes my blood boil). Donna's biological father was absolutely useless in defending his daughter and deserves to rot in hell alongside his evil wife. However Donna overcame the wickedness of her stepmother and became a successful person in her own right Donna - I wish you all the best for the future.

Refreshing, 29 Dec 2007
After reading well over 100 books on true stories, i've come across my fair share of abuse tales and this is up there with the best of them. Not only does Donna give you insight into the horrific childhood she endured but unlike most other books, goes on to demonstrate how abused children do not have to repeat the cycle and how it becomes possible to conquer the abuser in more ways than imaginable. To have Donna's life story told to the point of taking Helen (the abuser) to court and winning to the life she has created very successfully for herself is truely inspiring.
This is a book that is easy to read, well written and a must for anyone who simply loves to read. I just look forward to the next chapter of Donna's life and hope she once again has the patience to put her life onto paper.

Great Insights, 01 Nov 2008
A brilliant reference book indeed.

Sadly, rarely are any of the insights used in the real world.

Victims of domestic violence need to know truth, 01 Nov 2008
It is all well and good writing on this problem in society,all the effects are already well known and documaeted but are not heeded in the real world by social workers, and other so called professionals.

Victims of domestic violence, children and parent involved must be told the truth.

Inside the family court, the chances are , the abuser will get contact and even full custody of these already abused children.

51% of mothers who came for help from child protection services have had their children forcibly adopted in UK.

So, the reward for doing the right thing is to loose the children to the abuser or the care system.

Either way, the children are going to be traumatised and fragmented.

All because the child protection industry knows fine well that the abused parent will keep fighting to try and protect the children.

Social workers and court agents will Not help you to get justice.

This is what needs writing about.

Protecting children from domestic violence, 03 Oct 2001
This book gives an excellent overview of the impact of domestic violence on the lives of children and their mothers. It should be a compulsory text for refuge workers, social workers and all professionals working with children caught up in domestic violence situations.
The book is well laid out, clear and accessible, giving up to date research as well as tools for working with families.
As a child protection social worker, I cannot recommend it highly enough. for too long we have under estimated the effects of domestic violence on children. This book is key in raising awareness, and provides a clear guide for their protection.

IF YOU ARE ANGRY READ THIS BOOK, 04 Nov 2008
This is a fantastic book to read if you are an angry person or live with an angry person. The only problem I have with it is that it is presumed that the abusive person is male and the only 'cure' is to leave them !!! I found this book while trying to find out why I always seemed angry with my husband and was quite shocked to find out that I was the abusive person. so shocked and mortified that I had a big chat with the hubby and am learning to work together as a family and not with me always having to be the boss (or having one up on him). Family liFe is much sweeter and happier so a Big Thank You to Patricia Evans

A war you'll never win., 02 Sep 2008
An Americanised approach to a subject few people talk about, though the (professionally unqualified) author Evans is in a win/win situation - any help for abused people is a lifeline even if it's badly presented.

There are simpler, starker and better explanations than those presented by Evans of why the emotional abuser will always win - as in 'Stalking The Soul' by Marie-France Hirogoyen, which does without the sometimes childish and over-simplified dialogue illustrations presented by Evans.

However, as Evan's book progresses, it slightly improves, and as a companion to say, the Hirogoyen book, it eventually works at a limited level. But Evan's lugubrious verbosity is of no help when you need the facts, especially if you're no fan of therapy as a media cult, which is how some of Evan's mawkish writing comes across.

There's a lot of gravy, before you get to the meat, and Evans will antagonise the reader at almost every page with over-weening claptrap:

"Don't ever delude yourself into thinking that you should have the ability to stay serene no matter how you are treated. Your serenity comes from the knowledge that you have a fundamental right to a nurturing environment and a fundamental right to affirm your boundaries."

As the abused will know, the abuser will allow them no such rights or affirmation whatsoever, and sections of the book may engender false hope that abuse can be dealt with by being 'firm' with the abuser, or 'affirming your boundaries.'

Such simplistic advice could prolong an abusive relationship, leading to chronic depression, violence, further abuse or worse, and the best advice is not to rely solely on this book to provide the answers you need.

[two stars- browser error allocated five]


An illuminating and informative book, 29 Jun 2008
I didn't know quite what to expect when I started reading it but to my surprise found that it is invaluable and has made me realise that even when I thought my partner was being nice he actually wasn't and opened my eyes to things that perhaps I have chosen not to recognise for the sake of carrying on a normal life in the past 10 years. Everyone should read this book to recognise the signs of abuse, I'd recommend using a pencil to note in the book incidents which have happened to yourself that relate to the different sections so you can easily refer back to your notes.

Glad I found this out before I got in too deep, 13 Dec 2007
An excellent insight into this subtle, insidious form of psychological warfare. I would highly recommend this book for anyone who has ever felt a twinge of imbalance in their verbal dealings with someone but tried to dismiss or ignore it. Be safe, not sorry.

Helpful advice on protecting yourself from verbal abuse, 10 Aug 2007
Verbal abuse might not be as visible as physical abuse, but it can be just as damaging. What makes this type of abuse so insidious is that the victim blames herself, further weakening her self-esteem, instead of placing the responsibility firmly where it belongs - on the abuser. Patricia Evans unmasks verbal abuse in all its hurtful guises, from the most obvious such as yelling and name-calling, to the covert manipulations of sabotage, double-speak and denial. Evans bases her insights and conclusions on extensive research. She uses real-life situations and dialogue to shed light on this dark, destructive ailment - though she sometimes can be repetitive and unnecessarily complex. Her in-depth analysis of the dynamics of verbal abuse may be more suited to therapists and researchers than to victims seeking coping advice. Evans would be the first to say that if you are in imminent danger, get professional help or a cop. We recommend her book to anyone who might be in a verbally abusive relationship or who cares about someone who is. Therapists and counselors will also benefit from this well-researched thesis.


highly recommended; very clearly written, 24 Jul 2007
I can't recommend this enough. Packed with clearly presented information, easy to read, clear exercises, plus she herself was abusive and worked through it, so is completely speaking from a place of real informed balance and empathy.

Precious love-saving guide for partners and ex-partners, 26 Sep 2003
A lovely book. Engel comes from love and empathy for abusers and abusees alike and is wonderfully free of judgements. A moving, highly readable and deeply usable guide to how to recognise and then stop patterns of abuse when we are in the habit of giving or receiving it. An inspiring read, and manual, for counsellors and a potential lifesaver for human happiness for everyone from the multiply divorced to the person who's just shouted at their partner for the first time ever. But not for those who believe abusees are victims (poor me)and abusers are monsters: Engel holds that blame benefits no-one and everyone, if willing, can grow and learn new, loving, abuse-free habits that esteem both themself and their partner. Written in wonderfully plain jargon-free English (except that she refers to "borderline personality disorder").

Engel defines emotional abuse as "any non-physical behaviour designed to control, intimidate, subjugate, demean, punish or isolate another person" i.e. everything from blaming to sulking, demands to insults, domineering to overinquisitiveness. [So if you've lived with someone for more than a month and never ever given or received emotional abuse, click here for your halo:-)]

Beverly focuses on emotional abuse but but her techniques could be equally transformative for people who give or receive physical, sexual or verbal abuse. Similarly, the book is all about lifepartners but can be adapted to other close relationships e.g. parent/step-parent to adult child.

Excellently written and strikes a chord on every page, 18 Mar 2007
I found this to be an excellent source of information and guidance helping me to make sense of and validate my feelings. Together with some of the other books I have read on this subject such as Toxic Parents, which I also highly recommend, these books have opened up a whole new perspective in my life.

A book about the most evil stepmother from hell who is now out of jail, 11 Jul 2008
This book is about one of the most evil women in the world who succeeded in making her stepdaughter's life an absolute hell (to think that she was only sentenced to two years in prison for the torture she inflicted on a young child makes my blood boil). Donna's biological father was absolutely useless in defending his daughter and deserves to rot in hell alongside his evil wife. However Donna overcame the wickedness of her stepmother and became a successful person in her own right Donna - I wish you all the best for the future.

Refreshing, 29 Dec 2007
After reading well over 100 books on true stories, i've come across my fair share of abuse tales and this is up there with the best of them. Not only does Donna give you insight into the horrific childhood she endured but unlike most other books, goes on to demonstrate how abused children do not have to repeat the cycle and how it becomes possible to conquer the abuser in more ways than imaginable. To have Donna's life story told to the point of taking Helen (the abuser) to court and winning to the life she has created very successfully for herself is truely inspiring.
This is a book that is easy to read, well written and a must for anyone who simply loves to read. I just look forward to the next chapter of Donna's life and hope she once again has the patience to put her life onto paper.

Great Insights, 01 Nov 2008
A brilliant reference book indeed.

Sadly, rarely are any of the insights used in the real world.

Victims of domestic violence need to know truth, 01 Nov 2008
It is all well and good writing on this problem in society,all the effects are already well known and documaeted but are not heeded in the real world by social workers, and other so called professionals.

Victims of domestic violence, children and parent involved must be told the truth.

Inside the family court, the chances are , the abuser will get contact and even full custody of these already abused children.

51% of mothers who came for help from child protection services have had their children forcibly adopted in UK.

So, the reward for doing the right thing is to loose the children to the abuser or the care system.

Either way, the children are going to be traumatised and fragmented.

All because the child protection industry knows fine well that the abused parent will keep fighting to try and protect the children.

Social workers and court agents will Not help you to get justice.

This is what needs writing about.

Protecting children from domestic violence, 03 Oct 2001
This book gives an excellent overview of the impact of domestic violence on the lives of children and their mothers. It should be a compulsory text for refuge workers, social workers and all professionals working with children caught up in domestic violence situations.
The book is well laid out, clear and accessible, giving up to date research as well as tools for working with families.
As a child protection social worker, I cannot recommend it highly enough. for too long we have under estimated the effects of domestic violence on children. This book is key in raising awareness, and provides a clear guide for their protection.

Empowering Self Help Book, 20 Nov 2008
Whose Face is in the Mirror?: The Story of One Woman's Journey from the Nightmare of Domestic Abuse to True HealingMany thanks to Ms Schwartz for such an honest and very helpful book. This book helped give me strength to leave an abusive relationship myself. I recommend anyone in a similar position to read it. Faith.

IF YOU ARE ANGRY READ THIS BOOK, 04 Nov 2008
This is a fantastic book to read if you are an angry person or live with an angry person. The only problem I have with it is that it is presumed that the abusive person is male and the only 'cure' is to leave them !!! I found this book while trying to find out why I always seemed angry with my husband and was quite shocked to find out that I was the abusive person. so shocked and mortified that I had a big chat with the hubby and am learning to work together as a family and not with me always having to be the boss (or having one up on him). Family liFe is much sweeter and happier so a Big Thank You to Patricia Evans

A war you'll never win., 02 Sep 2008
An Americanised approach to a subject few people talk about, though the (professionally unqualified) author Evans is in a win/win situation - any help for abused people is a lifeline even if it's badly presented.

There are simpler, starker and better explanations than those presented by Evans of why the emotional abuser will always win - as in 'Stalking The Soul' by Marie-France Hirogoyen, which does without the sometimes childish and over-simplified dialogue illustrations presented by Evans.

However, as Evan's book progresses, it slightly improves, and as a companion to say, the Hirogoyen book, it eventually works at a limited level. But Evan's lugubrious verbosity is of no help when you need the facts, especially if you're no fan of therapy as a media cult, which is how some of Evan's mawkish writing comes across.

There's a lot of gravy, before you get to the meat, and Evans will antagonise the reader at almost every page with over-weening claptrap:

"Don't ever delude yourself into thinking that you should have the ability to stay serene no matter how you are treated. Your serenity comes from the knowledge that you have a fundamental right to a nurturing environment and a fundamental right to affirm your boundaries."

As the abused will know, the abuser will allow them no such rights or affirmation whatsoever, and sections of the book may engender false hope that abuse can be dealt with by being 'firm' with the abuser, or 'affirming your boundaries.'

Such simplistic advice could prolong an abusive relationship, leading to chronic depression, violence, further abuse or worse, and the best advice is not to rely solely on this book to provide the answers you need.

[two stars- browser error allocated five]


An illuminating and informative book, 29 Jun 2008
I didn't know quite what to expect when I started reading it but to my surprise found that it is invaluable and has made me realise that even when I thought my partner was being nice he actually wasn't and opened my eyes to things that perhaps I have chosen not to recognise for the sake of carrying on a normal life in the past 10 years. Everyone should read this book to recognise the signs of abuse, I'd recommend using a pencil to note in the book incidents which have happened to yourself that relate to the different sections so you can easily refer back to your notes.

Glad I found this out before I got in too deep, 13 Dec 2007
An excellent insight into this subtle, insidious form of psychological warfare. I would highly recommend this book for anyone who has ever felt a twinge of imbalance in their verbal dealings with someone but tried to dismiss or ignore it. Be safe, not sorry.

Helpful advice on protecting yourself from verbal abuse, 10 Aug 2007
Verbal abuse might not be as visible as physical abuse, but it can be just as damaging. What makes this type of abuse so insidious is that the victim blames herself, further weakening her self-esteem, instead of placing the responsibility firmly where it belongs - on the abuser. Patricia Evans unmasks verbal abuse in all its hurtful guises, from the most obvious such as yelling and name-calling, to the covert manipulations of sabotage, double-speak and denial. Evans bases her insights and conclusions on extensive research. She uses real-life situations and dialogue to shed light on this dark, destructive ailment - though she sometimes can be repetitive and unnecessarily complex. Her in-depth analysis of the dynamics of verbal abuse may be more suited to therapists and researchers than to victims seeking coping advice. Evans would be the first to say that if you are in imminent danger, get professional help or a cop. We recommend her book to anyone who might be in a verbally abusive relationship or who cares about someone who is. Therapists and counselors will also benefit from this well-researched thesis.


highly recommended; very clearly written, 24 Jul 2007
I can't recommend this enough. Packed with clearly presented information, easy to read, clear exercises, plus she herself was abusive and worked through it, so is completely speaking from a place of real informed balance and empathy.

Precious love-saving guide for partners and ex-partners, 26 Sep 2003
A lovely book. Engel comes from love and empathy for abusers and abusees alike and is wonderfully free of judgements. A moving, highly readable and deeply usable guide to how to recognise and then stop patterns of abuse when we are in the habit of giving or receiving it. An inspiring read, and manual, for counsellors and a potential lifesaver for human happiness for everyone from the multiply divorced to the person who's just shouted at their partner for the first time ever. But not for those who believe abusees are victims (poor me)and abusers are monsters: Engel holds that blame benefits no-one and everyone, if willing, can grow and learn new, loving, abuse-free habits that esteem both themself and their partner. Written in wonderfully plain jargon-free English (except that she refers to "borderline personality disorder").

Engel defines emotional abuse as "any non-physical behaviour designed to control, intimidate, subjugate, demean, punish or isolate another person" i.e. everything from blaming to sulking, demands to insults, domineering to overinquisitiveness. [So if you've lived with someone for more than a month and never ever given or received emotional abuse, click here for your halo:-)]

Beverly focuses on emotional abuse but but her techniques could be equally transformative for people who give or receive physical, sexual or verbal abuse. Similarly, the book is all about lifepartners but can be adapted to other close relationships e.g. parent/step-parent to adult child.

Excellently written and strikes a chord on every page, 18 Mar 2007
I found this to be an excellent source of information and guidance helping me to make sense of and validate my feelings. Together with some of the other books I have read on this subject such as Toxic Parents, which I also highly recommend, these books have opened up a whole new perspective in my life.

A book about the most evil stepmother from hell who is now out of jail, 11 Jul 2008
This book is about one of the most evil women in the world who succeeded in making her stepdaughter's life an absolute hell (to think that she was only sentenced to two years in prison for the torture she inflicted on a young child makes my blood boil). Donna's biological father was absolutely useless in defending his daughter and deserves to rot in hell alongside his evil wife. However Donna overcame the wickedness of her stepmother and became a successful person in her own right Donna - I wish you all the best for the future.

Refreshing, 29 Dec 2007
After reading well over 100 books on true stories, i've come across my fair share of abuse tales and this is up there with the best of them. Not only does Donna give you insight into the horrific childhood she endured but unlike most other books, goes on to demonstrate how abused children do not have to repeat the cycle and how it becomes possible to conquer the abuser in more ways than imaginable. To have Donna's life story told to the point of taking Helen (the abuser) to court and winning to the life she has created very successfully for herself is truely inspiring.
This is a book that is easy to read, well written and a must for anyone who simply loves to read. I just look forward to the next chapter of Donna's life and hope she once again has the patience to put her life onto paper.

Great Insights, 01 Nov 2008
A brilliant reference book indeed.

Sadly, rarely are any of the insights used in the real world.

Victims of domestic violence need to know truth, 01 Nov 2008
It is all well and good writing on this problem in society,all the effects are already well known and documaeted but are not heeded in the real world by social workers, and other so called professionals.

Victims of domestic violence, children and parent involved must be told the truth.

Inside the family court, the chances are , the abuser will get contact and even full custody of these already abused children.

51% of mothers who came for help from child protection services have had their children forcibly adopted in UK.

So, the reward for doing the right thing is to loose the children to the abuser or the care system.

Either way, the children are going to be traumatised and fragmented.

All because the child protection industry knows fine well that the abused parent will keep fighting to try and protect the children.

Social workers and court agents will Not help you to get justice.

This is what needs writing about.

Protecting children from domestic violence, 03 Oct 2001
This book gives an excellent overview of the impact of domestic violence on the lives of children and their mothers. It should be a compulsory text for refuge workers, social workers and all professionals working with children caught up in domestic violence situations.
The book is well laid out, clear and accessible, giving up to date research as well as tools for working with families.
As a child protection social worker, I cannot recommend it highly enough. for too long we have under estimated the effects of domestic violence on children. This book is key in raising awareness, and provides a clear guide for their protection.

Empowering Self Help Book, 20 Nov 2008
Whose Face is in the Mirror?: The Story of One Woman's Journey from the Nightmare of Domestic Abuse to True HealingMany thanks to Ms Schwartz for such an honest and very helpful book. This book helped give me strength to leave an abusive relationship myself. I recommend anyone in a similar position to read it. Faith.

Heart-wrenching stories from verbal-abuse victims, 18 Jun 2008
Author Patricia Evans meticulously researched, described and documented verbal abuse in her previous book, The Verbally Abusive Relationship. This time, she gives domestic abuse a human face by including the experiences of verbal abuse survivors, recounted in their own words. You witness their struggles, confusion, pain and courage as they endure abuse, rediscover themselves and, ultimately, hopefully, move on. Particularly heart-wrenching are the stories of women whose abuse was denied, not only by their abusers, but also by their family, friends and even their counselors, exacerbating their feelings of isolation, guilt and bewilderment. One survivor says, "When I talked to a therapist about it, she said to go shopping." Evans covers the same ground as in her previous books, but the addition of excerpts from victims' letters makes it worth the read. If you feel you might be suffering from verbal abuse, or care about someone who is, getAbstract recommends Evans' book. For relationship counselors and therapists, it's required reading.

The Spectrum of Abuse, 10 Mar 2001
This book is a testimony from hell - the transparent torture chamber that verbal abuse - recurrent, unpredictable, tauntin - often becomes. It is a horror story disguised as passioned observations of victims and perpetrators. Abuse is an integral, inseparable part of the Narcissistic Personality Disorder. The narcissist idealizes and then DEVALUES and discards the object of his initial idealization. This abrupt, heartless devaluation IS abuse. ALL narcissists idealize and then devalue. This is THE core of pathological narcissism. The narcissist exploits, lies, insults, demeans, ignores (the "silent treatment"), manipulates, controls. All these are forms of abuse. There are a million ways to abuse. To love too much is to abuse. It is tantamount to treating someone as an extension, an object, or an instrument of gratification. To be over-protective, not to respect privacy, to be brutally honest, or consistently tactless - is to abuse. To expect too much, to denigrate, to ignore - are all modes of abuse. There is physical abuse, verbal abuse, psychological abuse, sexual abuse. The list is long. Narcissists are masters of abusing surreptitiously. They are "stealth abusers". You have to actually live with one in order to witness the abuse. This book is as close as it gets to the real life experience. An eye (rather, ear) opener. Sam Vaknin, author of "Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited".

A book that is truly an "eye opner", 19 Jul 1999
I have been married for 16 years as a verbally abused wife. For 15 1/2 years I just thought my husband was "mean and evil" until I saw Patricia Evans book in the bookstore "Verbally Abusive Relationship and how to recognize them". This book had my husbands name all over it and finally my eyes were opened to what I had been going through for so long. I am now in the process of getting divorced and am relieved to know that I will be getting my life back and living it as I please. Every woman must read this book.

Very Insightful Book, 03 Jun 1999
This book was of great help to me. I realized there were other people out there that had experienced the same things that I had. Basically that I wasn't crazy. I was married for 16 plus years and leaving the relationship was one of the hardest things I have ever done, but the best for all involved. My daughters had become a target for his verbal abuse and now they are more aware that relationships are not healthy in that form. Their dad has become more aware of his actions, he has gotten better with time but as far as changing completly, I don't feel in my heart right now that it is possible. I have forgiven but life is to short and it is all about choices.....excellent book. I have read both of Patricia Evans books and several others on this subject.

A must read, about a dark force that kills the spirit., 29 May 1999
I am recovering from a 10-year relationship with a man I loved and thought wonderful, who shared with me great world adventures and great times on many levels - but who at the same time was slowly, subtly, making me doubt myself through criticism, public humiliation, tuning out, rude remarks and sudden outbursts of anger. Because this was mixed with fun, adventure and "love", the total effect was confusion and - by the end of it - a complete dismantling of spirit. Patricia Evans' two books have guided me through a long (now 3 years) healing period, which even now is marked with a deep, unidentifiable pain - especially on encountering my ex-husband. The power of Patricia Evans' books lies in their specific outlining of what is actually happening in a relationship where one's deepest self is not honored or cherished. Any woman who is feeling an unidentifiable unrest about her marriage owes it to herself to read these books!

IF YOU ARE ANGRY READ THIS BOOK, 04 Nov 2008
This is a fantastic book to read if you are an angry person or live with an angry person. The only problem I have with it is that it is presumed that the abusive person is male and the only 'cure' is to leave them !!! I found this book while trying to find out why I always seemed angry with my husband and was quite shocked to find out that I was the abusive person. so shocked and mortified that I had a big chat with the hubby and am learning to work together as a family and not with me always having to be the boss (or having one up on him). Family liFe is much sweeter and happier so a Big Thank You to Patricia Evans

A war you'll never win., 02 Sep 2008
An Americanised approach to a subject few people talk about, though the (professionally unqualified) author Evans is in a win/win situation - any help for abused people is a lifeline even if it's badly presented.

There are simpler, starker and better explanations than those presented by Evans of why the emotional abuser will always win - as in 'Stalking The Soul' by Marie-France Hirogoyen, which does without the sometimes childish and over-simplified dialogue illustrations presented by Evans.

However, as Evan's book progresses, it slightly improves, and as a companion to say, the Hirogoyen book, it eventually works at a limited level. But Evan's lugubrious verbosity is of no help when you need the facts, especially if you're no fan of therapy as a media cult, which is how some of Evan's mawkish writing comes across.

There's a lot of gravy, before you get to the meat, and Evans will antagonise the reader at almost every page with over-weening claptrap:

"Don't ever delude yourself into thinking that you should have the ability to stay serene no matter how you are treated. Your serenity comes from the knowledge that you have a fundamental right to a nurturing environment and a fundamental right to affirm your boundaries."

As the abused will know, the abuser will allow them no such rights or affirmation whatsoever, and sections of the book may engender false hope that abuse can be dealt with by being 'firm' with the abuser, or 'affirming your boundaries.'

Such simplistic advice could prolong an abusive relationship, leading to chronic depression, violence, further abuse or worse, and the best advice is not to rely solely on this book to provide the answers you need.

[two stars- browser error allocated five]


An illuminating and informative book, 29 Jun 2008
I didn't know quite what to expect when I started reading it but to my surprise found that it is invaluable and has made me realise that even when I thought my partner was being nice he actually wasn't and opened my eyes to things that perhaps I have chosen not to recognise for the sake of carrying on a normal life in the past 10 years. Everyone should read this book to recognise the signs of abuse, I'd recommend using a pencil to note in the book incidents which have happened to yourself that relate to the different sections so you can easily refer back to your notes.

Glad I found this out before I got in too deep, 13 Dec 2007
An excellent insight into this subtle, insidious form of psychological warfare. I would highly recommend this book for anyone who has ever felt a twinge of imbalance in their verbal dealings with someone but tried to dismiss or ignore it. Be safe, not sorry.

Helpful advice on protecting yourself from verbal abuse, 10 Aug 2007
Verbal abuse might not be as visible as physical abuse, but it can be just as damaging. What makes this type of abuse so insidious is that the victim blames herself, further weakening her self-esteem, instead of placing the responsibility firmly where it belongs - on the abuser. Patricia Evans unmasks verbal abuse in all its hurtful guises, from the most obvious such as yelling and name-calling, to the covert manipulations of sabotage, double-speak and denial. Evans bases her insights and conclusions on extensive research. She uses real-life situations and dialogue to shed light on this dark, destructive ailment - though she sometimes can be repetitive and unnecessarily complex. Her in-depth analysis of the dynamics of verbal abuse may be more suited to therapists and researchers than to victims seeking coping advice. Evans would be the first to say that if you are in imminent danger, get professional help or a cop. We recommend her book to anyone who might be in a verbally abusive relationship or who cares about someone who is. Therapists and counselors will also benefit from this well-researched thesis.


highly recommended; very clearly written, 24 Jul 2007
I can't recommend this enough. Packed with clearly presented information, easy to read, clear exercises, plus she herself was abusive and worked through it, so is completely speaking from a place of real informed balance and empathy.

Precious love-saving guide for partners and ex-partners, 26 Sep 2003
A lovely book. Engel comes from love and empathy for abusers and abusees alike and is wonderfully free of judgements. A moving, highly readable and deeply usable guide to how to recognise and then stop patterns of abuse when we are in the habit of giving or receiving it. An inspiring read, and manual, for counsellors and a potential lifesaver for human happiness for everyone from the multiply divorced to the person who's just shouted at their partner for the first time ever. But not for those who believe abusees are victims (poor me)and abusers are monsters: Engel holds that blame benefits no-one and everyone, if willing, can grow and learn new, loving, abuse-free habits that esteem both themself and their partner. Written in wonderfully plain jargon-free English (except that she refers to "borderline personality disorder").

Engel defines emotional abuse as "any non-physical behaviour designed to control, intimidate, subjugate, demean, punish or isolate another person" i.e. everything from blaming to sulking, demands to insults, domineering to overinquisitiveness. [So if you've lived with someone for more than a month and never ever given or received emotional abuse, click here for your halo:-)]

Beverly focuses on emotional abuse but but her techniques could be equally transformative for people who give or receive physical, sexual or verbal abuse. Similarly, the book is all about lifepartners but can be adapted to other close relationships e.g. parent/step-parent to adult child.

Excellently written and strikes a chord on every page, 18 Mar 2007
I found this to be an excellent source of information and guidance helping me to make sense of and validate my feelings. Together with some of the other books I have read on this subject such as Toxic Parents, which I also highly recommend, these books have opened up a whole new perspective in my life.

A book about the most evil stepmother from hell who is now out of jail, 11 Jul 2008
This book is about one of the most evil women in the world who succeeded in making her stepdaughter's life an absolute hell (to think that she was only sentenced to two years in prison for the torture she inflicted on a young child makes my blood boil). Donna's biological father was absolutely useless in defending his daughter and deserves to rot in hell alongside his evil wife. However Donna overcame the wickedness of her stepmother and became a successful person in her own right Donna - I wish you all the best for the future.

Refreshing, 29 Dec 2007
After reading well over 100 books on true stories, i've come across my fair share of abuse tales and this is up there with the best of them. Not only does Donna give you insight into the horrific childhood she endured but unlike most other books, goes on to demonstrate how abused children do not have to repeat the cycle and how it becomes possible to conquer the abuser in more ways than imaginable. To have Donna's life story told to the point of taking Helen (the abuser) to court and winning to the life she has created very successfully for herself is truely inspiring.
This is a book that is easy to read, well written and a must for anyone who simply loves to read. I just look forward to the next chapter of Donna's life and hope she once again has the patience to put her life onto paper.

Great Insights, 01 Nov 2008
A brilliant reference book indeed.

Sadly, rarely are any of the insights used in the real world.

Victims of domestic violence need to know truth, 01 Nov 2008
It is all well and good writing on this problem in society,all the effects are already well known and documaeted but are not heeded in the real world by social workers, and other so called professionals.

Victims of domestic violence, children and parent involved must be told the truth.

Inside the family court, the chances are , the abuser will get contact and even full custody of these already abused children.

51% of mothers who came for help from child protection services have had their children forcibly adopted in UK.

So, the reward for doing the right thing is to loose the children to the abuser or the care system.

Either way, the children are going to be traumatised and fragmented.

All because the child protection industry knows fine well that the abused parent will keep fighting to try and protect the children.

Social workers and court agents will Not help you to get justice.

This is what needs writing about.

Protecting children from domestic violence, 03 Oct 2001
This book gives an excellent overview of the impact of domestic violence on the lives of children and their mothers. It should be a compulsory text for refuge workers, social workers and all professionals working with children caught up in domestic violence situations.
The book is well laid out, clear and accessible, giving up to date research as well as tools for working with families.
As a child protection social worker, I cannot recommend it highly enough. for too long we have under estimated the effects of domestic violence on children. This book is key in raising awareness, and provides a clear guide for their protection.

Empowering Self Help Book, 20 Nov 2008
Whose Face is in the Mirror?: The Story of One Woman's Journey from the Nightmare of Domestic Abuse to True HealingMany thanks to Ms Schwartz for such an honest and very helpful book. This book helped give me strength to leave an abusive relationship myself. I recommend anyone in a similar position to read it. Faith.

Heart-wrenching stories from verbal-abuse victims, 18 Jun 2008
Author Patricia Evans meticulously researched, described and documented verbal abuse in her previous book, The Verbally Abusive Relationship. This time, she gives domestic abuse a human face by including the experiences of verbal abuse survivors, recounted in